Lightly Toasted

A very big thank you to Ruth for lending me such an inspirational book. It is a touching experience, something that makes you look deep within yourself and how and where you want to head. Following is an excerpt from “The seven habits of highly effective people” by Steven Covey — I was reading on my way home on the train. A small portion of the talk about proactiveness versus reactiveness in peoples lives and how often peoples actions and/or reactions are so passive. Read on…

At one seminar where I was speaking on the concept of proactivity, a man came up and said,

“Stephen, I like what you are saying. But every situation is so different. Look at my marriage. I’m really worried. My wife and I just don’t have the same feelings for each other we used to have. I guess I just dont love her anymore and she doesn’t love me. What can I do?”
“The feeling isn’t there anymore?” I asked.
“Thats right.” he reaffirmed. “And we have three children we’re really concerned about. What do you suggest?”
“Love her,” I replied.
“I told you, the feeling just isn’t there anymore.”
“Love her.”
“You don’t understand. The feeling of love just isn’t there.”
Then love her. If the feeling isn’t there, thats a good reason to love her.”
But how do you love when you don’t love?”

“My friend, love is a verb. Love — the feeling — is a fruit of love, the verb. So love her. Serve her. Sacrifice. Listen to her. Empathize. Appreciate. Affirm her. Are you willing to do that?”

In the great literature of all progressive societies, love is a verb. Reactive people make it a feeling. They’re driven by feelings. Hollywood has generally scripted us to believe that we are not responsible, that we are a product of our feelings. But the Hollywood script does not describe the reality. If our feelings control our actions, it is because we abdicated our responsibility and empowered them to do so.

Proactive people make love a verb, Love is something you do: the sacrifice you make, the giving of self, like a mother bringing a newborn into the world. If you want to study love, study those who sacrifice for others, even for people who offend or do not love in return. If you are a parent, look at the love you have for the children you sacrificed for. Love is a value that is actualised through loving actions. Proactive people subordinate feelings to values. Love, the feeling, can be recaptured.

I would quote the whole chapter if I could, but I fugure that would be too much to type so I will type another short paragraph.

There are some people who interpret “proactive” to mean pushy, aggessive or insensitive; but that isn’t the case at all. Proactive people aren’t pushy. They’re smart, they are value driven, they read reality, and they know whats needed.
Look at Gandhi, While his accusers were in the legislative chambers criticising him because he wouldn’t join in the circle of concern Rhetoric condemning the British Empire for their subjugation of the Indian people, Gandhi was out in the rice paddies, quietly, slowly, impercceptibly expanding his circle of influence with the field labourers. A ground swell of support, of trust, of confidence followed him through the countryside. Though he held no office of political position, through compassion, courage, fasting, and moral persuasions he eventually bought England to its knees, breaking political domination of three hundred million people with the power of his guilt expanded circle of influence.

If you get a chance to read this book do not miss it, In fact make it happen, go to your local bookstore. Make an effort, it may just open your door to success.